kyoko_izumi

Yesterday I ran across a book by a local author covering his year- long quest to see the worst movie ever made. And no, it’s not Plan 9 From Outer Space. I’ve always found the humour in that one to be wildly overstated by all those ‘so bad it’s good” reviews. Boring and slow was my verdict, whereas something like the Turkish remake of the Exorcist might suffer from the same two buck special effect syndrome, but is far too yucky to ever get dreary on you.

 I have to confess to feeling somewhat miffed at the discovery of such a book. This is something I could have written. This something I should have written, given all my research into the field of truly terrible cinema back in my excitement starved teen years.
 

The author, whose name I have forgotten, and I seem to be drawn to the same topics, possibly because things like demon possessed beauty queens and alien zombie nuns are fairly difficult to make dull, but also pretty tricky to render on the screen with any noticeable amount of sensitivity or good taste.

This gives me at least a secondhand idea of what to do with all those hours I could have spent in more honourable adolescent pursuits like binge drinking and bad kissing- I can write about them now. Hardly novel of me, I know, but who said I had to break new ground in my own blog? They can kiss off, that person.

 Not really planning to get stuck into the films that make me angry (Bloodsucking Freaks, Napoleon Dynamite) or stuff that’s just a big old waste of cashola that could have more productively spent on mind altering substances for the director (We all know about Battlefield Earth and The Twilight Zone).
 

But movies that have ambitions beyond their budget and talent charm me past all reason, especially if they are touchingly convinced that they are frightening all heck out of you with a cursed walking pumpkin or some similar concept.

Dodgy science fiction is also a good thing to slap on the teev on a wet weekend. Some of them actually turn their low budget to their advantage (hint: dystopias, preferably filmed in Arizona look pretty good on no dollars a day) others chuck a load of neon lights and large haired sex robots at you and tell you that’s the future. No that’s just a goth club with bad décor, hur hur.

 Anyway. That brings me to a picture show much beloved by Goths and almost no one else. Hardware. Every "alternative" share house contains an ex- rental copy of this flick, and the degraded VHS just makes our urban destiny look even weirder and redder and nastier than we’re already prepared for. The plot is The Terminator with more blood, perverts and Motorhead. And we can all sympathise with the plight of the character who has to fight a “never never surrender” bolt action killing machine whilst all smoked out. Hell, I can barely navigate the remote control if I’ve been on the weed, don’t throw a warhead at me, please!
 

So yeah, this film trades on "cool" rather than "good"; serving up lashings of sex, drugs and rock and roll to make up for plot and character shortfall, but it stars everyone the misunderstood 80s youngster ever wanted to actually meet in real life and looks pleasingly shabby to boot. If I were the main protagonist though, I’d ask my desert trooping boyfriend to bring me back presents of a more conventional chick variety from now on. It’s the thought that counts, but I’ll salvage my own art trash from this point forward, honey and you can just bring me books.